FEATURE — Can you relate to any of the following scenarios? 

• Regardless of how delicately you approach a conversation with your partner, it never ends well.
• You are constantly walking on eggshells around your partner to avoid another argument. 
• You are perplexed at how and why each conversation with your partner emotionally escalates from zero to 10 in a split second. 

Our love relationships are where we turn for nurture and security, but when certain topics appear to be off-limits, the relationship becomes guarded rather than secure. Conversations going the rounds with high intensity and no resolve are emotionally and physically draining. Staying in a continually heightened fight-or-flight state is insufferable. When this becomes the norm, conversation comes to a standstill, and the relationship eventually loses appeal. Is this type of relationship salvageable?

The answer is yes! But this is the key: rebuilding your relationship starts with rebuilding your friendship. This can sound challenging when you are barely talking with each other, but communication isn’t going anywhere until you reestablish rapport.

The three-week program I outline below is geared to help you and your partner with a healthy reconnect and better communication. It requires patience and is not a quick fix, but the turnaround can happen surprisingly quickly when attentiveness and listening skills are honed and personal expectations are set aside. 

Week one: Practice attentiveness

During week one, give your partner your full attention. When a conversation takes place, stop what you are doing and remove distractions regardless of how unimportant their words may seem. Stay fully engaged through the conversation even when it doesn’t interest you. Use facial expressions to convey encouragement, empathy, interest or understanding. Nod occasionally, and use small verbal cues to encourage continuation, such as “uh-huh” or “I see.”

Acknowledge and encourage more interaction from small talk. For instance, let’s suppose that your partner says, “It’s going to rain today,” and you respond immediately by saying, “I love the rain.” Generally, the conversation will end here because it has nowhere to go; you have missed an opportunity to connect. Instead, what if your response was to say, “Tell me what you think about that.” Now the conversation can continue, giving you the chance to reestablish rapport and learn something new about your partner.

Fully engaging with the speaker sends the message that you prioritize the person. Be aware that it is not uncommon for people who practice these skills to realize just how unaware they have been!

Week two: Give of yourself  

Giving of yourself entails lightening the load. Connect with your partner by sharing your time, skills and talents. For example, you might be fed up with your partner’s habit of losing keys or tendency to be untidy. Resist the urge to lecture. Instead, ask if you can share your organizational skills. Offer support rather than disgust. Show interest by helping with chores but also by making time to have fun together.

A romantic way to give of yourself is to ask your partner on a date. There is no romance involved when you ask, “Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?” However, it is romantic to say, “I want to take you on a date.”  

Week three: Practice receptive listening with empathy

Allow your person’s words to fall on empathic ears. From a biblical sense, empathy is mourning with those who mourn. Telling a person how to think, spewing your pent-up frustrations or reporting your own story is hijacking the conversation; it is not receptive listening. These practices can swiftly turn your conversation into a tit-for-tat rather than supportive communication.

Stay present with your person. Share your grievances at a better time. Be perceptive to verbal and nonverbal cues to decipher the meaning behind the words. Listen attentively to gather information. Once the information is gathered, ask questions until you fully understand what your partner is trying to convey: “So, if I understand you correctly, what you are saying is ___. Is that right?”

Once you have understanding, validate feelings with words of empathy: “No wonder you are upset,” or “You must feel ___.” When you feel what the other person is feeling, you are more apt to say the right thing and less likely to defend. Defending your position creates a wedge whereas empathic listening draws the person to you. Only when your person is drawn to you can you talk about a solution. 

This three-week plan does not need to stop here. Continue using these principles for a lifetime of connection and healthy communication!

Written by CHRIS ESCHLER, health and well-being life coach. Eschler earned a bachelor’s degree in marriage and family sciences at Brigham Young University-Idaho. As a life coach at Ascend Counseling and Wellness, she works with individuals to develop their skills and provides a safe, accepting environment for exploring a wide range of thoughts and feelings.

Eschler knows that you are the expert of your life and that she is simply a guide. She currently sees couples with her husband, licensed therapist Matt Eschler. Together they assist couples with all couples issues, specializing in high-conflict couples work. To schedule an appointment with her for life coaching, call Ascend Counseling and Wellness at 435-688-1111 or visit ascendcw.com.

This article was originally published in the March/April 2024 issue of St. George Health and Wellness magazine.

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